Entrails of a Coward.

Sleep is good right? I hope you agree with me. It is important if you have to function properly in the awake people world. I’ve gotta remember that, I keep reminding myself.

Okay. Let me just get to the point as the go-getters say. There was this girl, a girl who I knew for about a decade now. I started fancying her from the time I really got to know her, which should be about one year after I first saw her. Well fancy wouldn’t be the right word for it; worship would be a bit more appropriate.

The problem with me is that I don’t see anything good in me. Atleast not good enough to deserve her, so I tried to better myself that didn’t work out well though. All the while, I tried to befriend her in a platonic way atleast for her. I think. Worst Idea ever, I have to say.

Now when I think of it, I can’t believe how much of a pussy I was and still am. Trust me you didn’t want to be where I was, it was the land of solitude and pain. There was this one particular incident when we were having a conversation and she decided to loop me in on the person she liked then, a mutual acquaintance.

As I sat there, listening to her speak about him. If you would have looked at me, you would see the regular me the smiley kind, well the younger regular me. Still remember that day. There is pain and then there is this other feeling. Later I tried to articulate what I felt that day to myself the words were if I remember alright, I felt like somebody reached down my throat pulled out by beating heart and stomped on it. Worst part was she never knew I felt this way, because I was too much of a coward to tell her.

After that I got a feeling about the kind of guys she would like and I am far from it. I hung back trying to gather the courage to one break it out. What would I do if I was to look into her eyes and say every hour of my day is planned around finding ways to make her happy and I when I look at her there is nothing else I ever want to see and she gets that disgusted look in her eyes. Or even worse takes pity on the pumpkin boy. The thought of that happening was too much to handle and the coward trudged along, ever helpful and ever smiling. And she never knew.

Wishing was the most essential part of the years after that, wishing I’d wake one day and be somebody else. Be somebody that she would also want to make happy. And I worked at it, and I was almost there or so I thought. One fine day morning, it all came crashing down and again I started getting that heart through the throat feeling. Only this time it won’t go away. This time there is no going back. This time there is no hope. I had to let go of any hope I had.

Fuck.

Cried out of my soul that warm morning. The only reason I had to anything was gone and I was, I don’t know what I was. Everything started falling apart around me, all that could go wrong did. The year of misery and loss built itself upon me piling up kick upon kick.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw things I couldn’t bear to see so I stopped sleeping. Every time I had me to myself my head would start hurting like hell, so I took myself away from me. I tucked myself away in places I couldn’t really be aware of anything.

People around me started to get concerned, well some of them. I was crashing down hard, I had to get away. So I flew half way across the world just to get away, into a world that never really appealed to me that much.

So there, I said it. It’s out in the open. I had only one another friend who knew about this way back when. Now it’s out.

Shouldn't be thinking about this anymore I know. I have to find a way to let go.

Now the worst part is that I keep wondering. What was I to her; a kind bumbling friend or did she ever know at any point had even a tiny inkling maybe and if I ever had the balls to tell her how I felt maybe it would have worked out. I jest.