Baggage Tracker.

A promise is hard to keep ain’t it, that’s the reason why it’s called a promise so that it can be held over your head and then it becomes hard not to be kept. The hardest ones to not keep seems to me are the ones you make to yourself, because the person holding it over your head is the one person that never leaves you.

That makes it so much worse.

Anyways, I did promise myself that’ll I figure out why I am like this. I am always been a dancing around ‘the issue’ person. I’ve always been the person who could not for the love of god just speak out what is on my mind. I have to always make sure that what I say doesn’t hurt anybody. So I always changed my plans so that everybody is happy. It made sense to me; if everybody around me is happy then I am happy too, right? Until it didn’t make sense any more. I realized that I make all the problems around me as mine. As if I help everybody and fix all their problems my problems are solved. People take advantage of this and soon shit gets spun out of context and soon I am in a place of darkness. A place I had no business being in, a place where I don’t deserve to be in. That doesn’t make me a good person; it just makes me a stupid person.

The importance of time was something that never occurred to me until recently. I am dense I know. It is quite embarrassing, but it was quite late when I realized that when you invest your time into something you are actually depriving something else of your time. I guess this is where my addictions come in. I have this problem of losing myself in things without any self-restraint and end up in fantasy land. I live in my head most of the time, conjure up worlds in my head, I have conversations in my head, I make up people into who they are not so that all my efforts don’t seem wasted . When I want to take a break from the world, I go into my head and have psychedelic alter egos. Sometimes I don’t see the downside of living in my head forever and don’t come back. Ever.

Don’t let them see you cry. This seems like sane advice, right? It is actually, it drives you, helps you get things done. It is constructive until at a certain point them becomes everybody and it changes to ‘Don’t let anybody see you cry’. What it means to me is that; whatever happens you never stop crying but you stop having somebody you trust enough to let support you. I’ve got pretty much no friends left; I’ve driven almost everybody away. And I am in no state to make new friends. I’ve gotta make amends in so many levels.

All my baggage has made me uncomfortable with people. Let me put it this way. If I were a book, I’d put this book at the farthest corner of the shelf in the darkest nook of the most uninteresting room of the most inaccessible dungeon. And it will be padlocked. This is what I am trying to change.

God help me.