Olympic Dove Release Ceremony

Its 2010 now, yay!! This statement may not mean much to you, but it is a statement that I use constantly now. For what purpose, you enquire? Well it’s me trying to convince me that the past is the past and the future is yet to come, and hopefully it is not with anymore sadness.

Even before 2009 started I knew I this year was gonna royally screw me, a year later now I say that it was an understatement. I remember sitting alone in the dark trying to figure out what I did to deserve all this, trying to understand why all that I feel is sadness, trying to plan to have one single day in a week without feeling like shit, trying to drown everything I was feeling with relentless and non-stop work , trying to function after going about a week with no sleep, sitting down in an extremely crowded restaurant just so I can avoid everybody, trying to forgive everybody and to see it all from everybody else’s eyes, remember admitting to myself I need help from someone or something, remember running on the treadmill till I couldn’t breathe so I won’t feel anything else other than the pain in my legs. I remember being tired of being me.

Was living with my brother and also a very close friend of mine who had returned after a long time apart, couldn’t bring me to give them the time of the day. Lest they would understand what I am going through. But my brother saw through me and one night he asked me are you depressed? I said no it’s just the work, in reality it’s the other way around. It did get me thinking though, depression hah? Clinical depression. So as usual I hit the net and got some symptoms out:

Symptoms of depression include:

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.

· Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.

· Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex.

· Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down".

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.

· Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping.

· Appetite and/or weight change.

· Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts.

· Restlessness, irritability.

Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment.

I had gone through almost all of them. So I decided enough is enough I have to define why I am feeling like this atleast to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It’s ridiculous really. After all this space was set up to write something honest.

I will be back to write down honestly about why I spiraled and maybe am still. Let me just jot it down somewhere.