Reason

Give me one reason. One freaking reason.

Brand New Day.

Brain freeze for me. Was blabbering mindlessly to a friend of mine and I said this.

"You shouldn't mourn truth for too long, because the truth is always there and it never goes away and it never changes."

Not sure if that was my inner me telling me to get a life.

It's like living through Viva La Vida while humming Brand New Day.

Confused.

J + L = Confused.

Okay.

Who and where am I right now. When I came out of college I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I liked electronics enough to play with bread boards in my spare time and also I was extremely taken by all things programming.

Once I got an assignment from one of my profs it was about something related to linked lists. I remember sitting with it for hours on end and once it was cracked I remember writing a phone diary with that concept then I remember my brothers discovering the file store and editing it to gobbly gook to annoy me and I remember getting annoyed and writing another program to encrypt the data in it using a character replacement algorithm and going IN YOUR FACE SUCKAS!!!!

Major geek quotient I know.

There was a time when I used to write code for fun I really did enjoy it, then when I started working I carried it along even though I was not really sure about I am doing what I want. Then when I look at what I do now, I am truly disgusted.

Sure , I still have no clue about what it that I want to do. But it cannot be remotely close to what I do now. Attending freakin meetings, planning projects, dealing with bullies, modulating every word that comes out of my mouth, knowing that everybody who is talking to you has an agenda and is trying to manipulate you. I mean come on when I look back at the whole of last month, I really cant find a single thing I enjoyed doing. This lack of interest shows in everything I do now, earlier I used to push myself and push everybody around me by putting in my best foot forward now it seems everybody around me is cleaning up my mess. That sucks.

I guess this is natural progression. Then I am not sure if I should progress really.

My habit of letting life take me around places and try and solve what it puts in front of me is not working any more.

How do I get back on track? I have no idea. I like some of the people I work with and they have helped in times of need and I don’t want to let them down and put them in a bind.

But something’s gotta give. Working on it now, will get back to me ASAP. (J The most commonly used phrase maybe in my line of work)

Hiccup.

All you wanna do is get better...

But when the better gets the better of you what's to be done.

Yes What is to be done???

Entrails of a Coward.

Sleep is good right? I hope you agree with me. It is important if you have to function properly in the awake people world. I’ve gotta remember that, I keep reminding myself.

Okay. Let me just get to the point as the go-getters say. There was this girl, a girl who I knew for about a decade now. I started fancying her from the time I really got to know her, which should be about one year after I first saw her. Well fancy wouldn’t be the right word for it; worship would be a bit more appropriate.

The problem with me is that I don’t see anything good in me. Atleast not good enough to deserve her, so I tried to better myself that didn’t work out well though. All the while, I tried to befriend her in a platonic way atleast for her. I think. Worst Idea ever, I have to say.

Now when I think of it, I can’t believe how much of a pussy I was and still am. Trust me you didn’t want to be where I was, it was the land of solitude and pain. There was this one particular incident when we were having a conversation and she decided to loop me in on the person she liked then, a mutual acquaintance.

As I sat there, listening to her speak about him. If you would have looked at me, you would see the regular me the smiley kind, well the younger regular me. Still remember that day. There is pain and then there is this other feeling. Later I tried to articulate what I felt that day to myself the words were if I remember alright, I felt like somebody reached down my throat pulled out by beating heart and stomped on it. Worst part was she never knew I felt this way, because I was too much of a coward to tell her.

After that I got a feeling about the kind of guys she would like and I am far from it. I hung back trying to gather the courage to one break it out. What would I do if I was to look into her eyes and say every hour of my day is planned around finding ways to make her happy and I when I look at her there is nothing else I ever want to see and she gets that disgusted look in her eyes. Or even worse takes pity on the pumpkin boy. The thought of that happening was too much to handle and the coward trudged along, ever helpful and ever smiling. And she never knew.

Wishing was the most essential part of the years after that, wishing I’d wake one day and be somebody else. Be somebody that she would also want to make happy. And I worked at it, and I was almost there or so I thought. One fine day morning, it all came crashing down and again I started getting that heart through the throat feeling. Only this time it won’t go away. This time there is no going back. This time there is no hope. I had to let go of any hope I had.

Fuck.

Cried out of my soul that warm morning. The only reason I had to anything was gone and I was, I don’t know what I was. Everything started falling apart around me, all that could go wrong did. The year of misery and loss built itself upon me piling up kick upon kick.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw things I couldn’t bear to see so I stopped sleeping. Every time I had me to myself my head would start hurting like hell, so I took myself away from me. I tucked myself away in places I couldn’t really be aware of anything.

People around me started to get concerned, well some of them. I was crashing down hard, I had to get away. So I flew half way across the world just to get away, into a world that never really appealed to me that much.

So there, I said it. It’s out in the open. I had only one another friend who knew about this way back when. Now it’s out.

Shouldn't be thinking about this anymore I know. I have to find a way to let go.

Now the worst part is that I keep wondering. What was I to her; a kind bumbling friend or did she ever know at any point had even a tiny inkling maybe and if I ever had the balls to tell her how I felt maybe it would have worked out. I jest.

Baggage Tracker.

A promise is hard to keep ain’t it, that’s the reason why it’s called a promise so that it can be held over your head and then it becomes hard not to be kept. The hardest ones to not keep seems to me are the ones you make to yourself, because the person holding it over your head is the one person that never leaves you.

That makes it so much worse.

Anyways, I did promise myself that’ll I figure out why I am like this. I am always been a dancing around ‘the issue’ person. I’ve always been the person who could not for the love of god just speak out what is on my mind. I have to always make sure that what I say doesn’t hurt anybody. So I always changed my plans so that everybody is happy. It made sense to me; if everybody around me is happy then I am happy too, right? Until it didn’t make sense any more. I realized that I make all the problems around me as mine. As if I help everybody and fix all their problems my problems are solved. People take advantage of this and soon shit gets spun out of context and soon I am in a place of darkness. A place I had no business being in, a place where I don’t deserve to be in. That doesn’t make me a good person; it just makes me a stupid person.

The importance of time was something that never occurred to me until recently. I am dense I know. It is quite embarrassing, but it was quite late when I realized that when you invest your time into something you are actually depriving something else of your time. I guess this is where my addictions come in. I have this problem of losing myself in things without any self-restraint and end up in fantasy land. I live in my head most of the time, conjure up worlds in my head, I have conversations in my head, I make up people into who they are not so that all my efforts don’t seem wasted . When I want to take a break from the world, I go into my head and have psychedelic alter egos. Sometimes I don’t see the downside of living in my head forever and don’t come back. Ever.

Don’t let them see you cry. This seems like sane advice, right? It is actually, it drives you, helps you get things done. It is constructive until at a certain point them becomes everybody and it changes to ‘Don’t let anybody see you cry’. What it means to me is that; whatever happens you never stop crying but you stop having somebody you trust enough to let support you. I’ve got pretty much no friends left; I’ve driven almost everybody away. And I am in no state to make new friends. I’ve gotta make amends in so many levels.

All my baggage has made me uncomfortable with people. Let me put it this way. If I were a book, I’d put this book at the farthest corner of the shelf in the darkest nook of the most uninteresting room of the most inaccessible dungeon. And it will be padlocked. This is what I am trying to change.

God help me.

Olympic Dove Release Ceremony

Its 2010 now, yay!! This statement may not mean much to you, but it is a statement that I use constantly now. For what purpose, you enquire? Well it’s me trying to convince me that the past is the past and the future is yet to come, and hopefully it is not with anymore sadness.

Even before 2009 started I knew I this year was gonna royally screw me, a year later now I say that it was an understatement. I remember sitting alone in the dark trying to figure out what I did to deserve all this, trying to understand why all that I feel is sadness, trying to plan to have one single day in a week without feeling like shit, trying to drown everything I was feeling with relentless and non-stop work , trying to function after going about a week with no sleep, sitting down in an extremely crowded restaurant just so I can avoid everybody, trying to forgive everybody and to see it all from everybody else’s eyes, remember admitting to myself I need help from someone or something, remember running on the treadmill till I couldn’t breathe so I won’t feel anything else other than the pain in my legs. I remember being tired of being me.

Was living with my brother and also a very close friend of mine who had returned after a long time apart, couldn’t bring me to give them the time of the day. Lest they would understand what I am going through. But my brother saw through me and one night he asked me are you depressed? I said no it’s just the work, in reality it’s the other way around. It did get me thinking though, depression hah? Clinical depression. So as usual I hit the net and got some symptoms out:

Symptoms of depression include:

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.

· Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.

· Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex.

· Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down".

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.

· Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping.

· Appetite and/or weight change.

· Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts.

· Restlessness, irritability.

Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment.

I had gone through almost all of them. So I decided enough is enough I have to define why I am feeling like this atleast to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It’s ridiculous really. After all this space was set up to write something honest.

I will be back to write down honestly about why I spiraled and maybe am still. Let me just jot it down somewhere.