Baggage Tracker.

A promise is hard to keep ain’t it, that’s the reason why it’s called a promise so that it can be held over your head and then it becomes hard not to be kept. The hardest ones to not keep seems to me are the ones you make to yourself, because the person holding it over your head is the one person that never leaves you.

That makes it so much worse.

Anyways, I did promise myself that’ll I figure out why I am like this. I am always been a dancing around ‘the issue’ person. I’ve always been the person who could not for the love of god just speak out what is on my mind. I have to always make sure that what I say doesn’t hurt anybody. So I always changed my plans so that everybody is happy. It made sense to me; if everybody around me is happy then I am happy too, right? Until it didn’t make sense any more. I realized that I make all the problems around me as mine. As if I help everybody and fix all their problems my problems are solved. People take advantage of this and soon shit gets spun out of context and soon I am in a place of darkness. A place I had no business being in, a place where I don’t deserve to be in. That doesn’t make me a good person; it just makes me a stupid person.

The importance of time was something that never occurred to me until recently. I am dense I know. It is quite embarrassing, but it was quite late when I realized that when you invest your time into something you are actually depriving something else of your time. I guess this is where my addictions come in. I have this problem of losing myself in things without any self-restraint and end up in fantasy land. I live in my head most of the time, conjure up worlds in my head, I have conversations in my head, I make up people into who they are not so that all my efforts don’t seem wasted . When I want to take a break from the world, I go into my head and have psychedelic alter egos. Sometimes I don’t see the downside of living in my head forever and don’t come back. Ever.

Don’t let them see you cry. This seems like sane advice, right? It is actually, it drives you, helps you get things done. It is constructive until at a certain point them becomes everybody and it changes to ‘Don’t let anybody see you cry’. What it means to me is that; whatever happens you never stop crying but you stop having somebody you trust enough to let support you. I’ve got pretty much no friends left; I’ve driven almost everybody away. And I am in no state to make new friends. I’ve gotta make amends in so many levels.

All my baggage has made me uncomfortable with people. Let me put it this way. If I were a book, I’d put this book at the farthest corner of the shelf in the darkest nook of the most uninteresting room of the most inaccessible dungeon. And it will be padlocked. This is what I am trying to change.

God help me.

Olympic Dove Release Ceremony

Its 2010 now, yay!! This statement may not mean much to you, but it is a statement that I use constantly now. For what purpose, you enquire? Well it’s me trying to convince me that the past is the past and the future is yet to come, and hopefully it is not with anymore sadness.

Even before 2009 started I knew I this year was gonna royally screw me, a year later now I say that it was an understatement. I remember sitting alone in the dark trying to figure out what I did to deserve all this, trying to understand why all that I feel is sadness, trying to plan to have one single day in a week without feeling like shit, trying to drown everything I was feeling with relentless and non-stop work , trying to function after going about a week with no sleep, sitting down in an extremely crowded restaurant just so I can avoid everybody, trying to forgive everybody and to see it all from everybody else’s eyes, remember admitting to myself I need help from someone or something, remember running on the treadmill till I couldn’t breathe so I won’t feel anything else other than the pain in my legs. I remember being tired of being me.

Was living with my brother and also a very close friend of mine who had returned after a long time apart, couldn’t bring me to give them the time of the day. Lest they would understand what I am going through. But my brother saw through me and one night he asked me are you depressed? I said no it’s just the work, in reality it’s the other way around. It did get me thinking though, depression hah? Clinical depression. So as usual I hit the net and got some symptoms out:

Symptoms of depression include:

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.

· Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.

· Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex.

· Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down".

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.

· Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping.

· Appetite and/or weight change.

· Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts.

· Restlessness, irritability.

Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment.

I had gone through almost all of them. So I decided enough is enough I have to define why I am feeling like this atleast to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It’s ridiculous really. After all this space was set up to write something honest.

I will be back to write down honestly about why I spiraled and maybe am still. Let me just jot it down somewhere.