All The Years.

I'm too old, the feeling never escapes me,
Ancient pallbearer to still born days,
Sittin in my favorite chair, rockin rockin in isolation,
Fog dancin in my eyes, playin tricks makin faces,
Paintin vultures, coffins awaitin.

I'm too old for today, knots murmur from my heart,
Creakin bones and leakin eyes, an old man's rhyme,
Travellin the travels, always too far to arrive,
Yet life marches on, a sick joke, don’t laugh at me,
My clownin years are over, rottenly lost and forever buried.

Still the whales of life call, oh they do call occasionally,
But my hearin's not the same, it’s the noisy years you see,
Now tuned to static, just that the pointlessness of it all bombards me,
Nothin's offered that has not already been lost,
Miss the symphonies though, the high and low notes fallin flat.

The weight of the ages crushin me, interrogatin my conscience,
Banished to my chair my clock runs backwards, memory permittin once in a while,
Lookin back I see me, unmarked with no weeping scars,
GOD IN HEAVENS! There’s a grin on that face, magically raw,
Who's this clown wearin my skin, dreamin my dreams,
Evil's fuming in the air, the child's clueless.

Ahh my memory fails, don’t blame an old man, it’s all the years,
Routine's all I got now, cycles to cycle, dispossessed of life,
No aggravation or solace, no pesterin maps or clocks,
I'm so tired, infinitely exhausted no wind bothers my sails,
I'm so old, I could die.

What'd I miss, learned me a lesson one of those days,
A way outta the vault, a map through the maze,
Unlearn, unlearn it all, all the happiness in me,
The melancholy wisdom's what's crushin me,
Be a fool, know nothin, ignore everythin.

Not innocent be ignorant, be useless,
Enter the world of inability, lose the significance of being,
Embodiment of ignorance, Embrace the insignificance of being,
Float away light as a feather, gleefully mindlessly.

If only I could, If only I wasn't so old,
Witness to so much goodness, as ancient as earth I can't,
Times of my life, etched on my face,
Lines of sadness & wrinkles of tears, purity clarity,
I am so old, I have no escape.

Vault Of Mine.

Its official I have stopped talking. Words no longer come outta my mouth. Gone mute in a hurry, well that aint entirely true,it wasn’t that fast, it was slow crept up on me in my sleep walk, as slow as realizing my ears no longer search for any voice worth holding on to.

Look up these days, the moutains to climb on to stand and look around, damn got a wrong one again well what’s the difference mate there aint no one on the other one either. Stones on me. Got a mouth; it still makes noise but aint got nothin to do with me.

Found me a box, put me in it, put an answerin machine up front. Ha clever me. Just the embalming fluid missing in my funeral home.

When did that happen. Me, me who smiled a crater and laughed an earthquake. Can’t even put a grimace on my mask these days. Where did I go. Read somewhere pain is what the wood feels when the axe iron says hi. Guess I saw the axe too much, up close. It thinks my mind's just a hole, blind and dump to put its crap. Surprise surprise can see right through your kind face, the blade in the air waitin in your hand, expectin and damp, can see better than you. Keep on waiting I aint blinkin with you around.

Got a curse on me, my face tells everything. Can’t put a smile on when ma face meets evil, not to save me not to kill it. The bad taste in my mouth always glares on my face. Guess what, nothing but bleedin mind numbin badness greets my senses lately, relentlessly.

Where has the good gone? Was around me just the last day, can remember those days when mornins still brought me that sweet fragrance not this fog and acid fumes. Pullin me up for one more long swim in this cesspool, all warmed up and rotten just right to kill me.

So I locked up ma voice, yeah that's what I did.

Not givin up though, my heart's gotta stop beating for that. Just got tired, exhausted, drained. Parasites hooking on to me, hitch a ride on my back I dont mind the load, but just dont sink your teeth in to take a sip. Sure do miss that wonderland, got clear waters, where all ma joys are wrapped in, none strangers to my skin. Would give anything to want to speak again, to see the point again. Talkin feels like laughin in a funeral to me, outta place outta sorts. Meant for another generation of me, a time of freedom in the companionship of honesty when even the pain was naked and true. Today the tainted truth is marched in front of me by its neck, doesn’t dare meet my eye.

Don’t know when it left me. Learned me the shrug, nod and the grunt. I know I am in despair, gotta start the repair.

One day the world told me learn to excel, fight and conquer do the desired. Don’t got the weapons to fight this one just yet, so gotta pull down the blinds. But I will. Till then, I aint gonna let it eat me, gnaw on my thought, drain my soul.

Gonna shutdown now. Not for good. I'll open my mouth again, it’s gonna laugh, it’s gonna leave you nowhere to run.

Till then....

SMILE FOR ME TODAY.

Burnin Burnin icy fire,
Clocks die infinite time remains,
Happens all the time,
Just gotta linger on you a bit,
Close my eyes you are there,
Pores of me filled with your voice.

Holmes'll fail, wont get a clue,
Plots I've drawn, elaborate schemes,
For one of your smiles,
Hours I spent being the comic,
Nobody knew, maybe you did maybe.

Barely stayin in this world,
Slippin away each day,
Remember that day? The day I died,
The day humour left me, one way traffic,
Wont smile for me no more, you said,
Winter crept in, froze me tears and all.

Lines on water, smile on my face,
Built castles in the sky,
Wind took them away,
Keeper of my smiles, why'd you walk away,
Lost the spring in my step, beyond repair.

Salty dampness all around,
The reason to wake up gone,
Dead man walking, one foot followin its brother,
Walkin in circles, not an inch further,
Bleeding soul, marooned heart,
Keepin each other company, dont die on me brother.

Time heals all they say,
But I still bleed everyday,
Days too dark, nights too loud,
Whispers in the night till day break,
Journey man Journey man stay awake,

True I know, hurt was never your intent,
Never doubted that, still guard you with my life,
Not a boy no more, not a man just yet,
Caught in my throat, the silent screams,
Lips too confused, didnt mean what they meant,
Words you never spoke left me all burnt.

Shoulda stood out in the rain,
Never shoulda let you go, Why didnt I tell you ?
Me shouda told me, getup wakeup dont giveup,
Passed me by walked on by, never forgave myself,
Flashes hours days years just flashes,
On a dead clock, a story in itself.

Then today happens, out of the blue,
And tommorow was new once more,
Day of hope, fought the tide for once,
Felt again, music filled me opened my eyes,
You were there, right in front of me and,
There was a smile on your face.

Locked Out.

Its knocking answer it,
Bring it in, no losing it this time,
Dont know how it got lockedout,
I saw it coming, I oughta have known,
Typical me let it have its way away.

The door was closed,
As always as always,
Gotta find the key,
Forgot where I put it,
Sit down think, before I sink.

Thought it was still with me,
Delusions illusions kept it away,
Quick sand all around me blinded me,
I let it suck me in, almost lost myself,
Gotta keep my head up the chaos.

The storm is coming,
Eerie silence humming,
Its loudness started to wake me up,
Cell by cell, life's gonna pour in,
Not just yet though,
Its still knocking, the door aint budging.

Not gonna be easy I know,
Cuz I forgot how the door got there,
Maybe fear built it, forgot to put the key hole,
Maybe it was pain, an armour of hurt,
Tears into bricks, toughest of walls,
Only sadness trapped in, cant seep through.

Flip back the pages,
Re-read the story, ask why this time,
Its somewhere between those lines,
Corked up and sealed,
Unscrew, jump in, weep, laugh out,
Make peace with all the screaming shadows.

No backin out now,
Its hollerin louder, nails in the air,
Break out, just smile thats enough,
Gotta find that laugh,
Caught in the throat,
In bottles no more, no friggin more.

Chains fallin apart, cracking salt all around,
I see I see, oh I feel it,
Door stands open, warm welcome awaits,
Thrust out my hand, soft iron grip,
Grinnin arms wide, huggin and kissin,
Bliss I missed you so, dont ever leave me.

Screaming Silence.

I wanna be that person,
Dont know when I'll explode,
The Flood gates straining,
The years it held,
The years it bled,
Fighting the urge to degrade.

I wanna be that person,
Everytime I hear I dive in,
Everytime I see I come alive,
Wake up from sleep walking,
Didnt even know I could till that moment,
The sudden truth came so slow.

I wanna be that person,
My eyes wont stop searching,
Have to stop looking behind,
Just that I cant, thats where my life is frozen,
Come back or I'll wash away,
Hold me together make the pain stop,
Take my hand walk me through this.

I wanna be that person,
Never found the strength,
The barricade and facade helps the face,
What lies beneath, naked and bruised,
Time has hardened the face,
Underneath its still black and blue,
When they meet I know who'll take over.

I wanna be that person,
Strong enough to break through,
The walls of my fear,
Face the music, enjoy it, unafraid,
Find you to find me again,
Stop the journey, reach the end,
Just to start one again with you.

I wanna be that person,
Not full of pain,
Painting the world for you,
To never sleep again,
Open myself, let it all flow,
Dissolve in you.

I wanna be that person,
Fill you in my arms,
Just to say I missed you like hell,
I wanna be that person,
Not a goddamn version,
I just wanna be.