Color Me Beige.

All brains and no heart is a bag of tricks.


All heart and no brains is a bull in a bull fight.


Wish I knew how to be in between.

Pondy Logue - I

 
Had it in the back of my mind to visit Pondy once again for quite sometime. So when JD asked one friday night, we'll go to Pondy? I said no problem sure. I also want to test the limits of JDs new Alto. Safely ofcourse J surely after my recent altercation I thought to myself.

 
So we went back home, packed for the weekend, googled the route, contemplated deeply, burned some travel music set our alarms for 4 am and hit the bed.

 


4 am. I am up. I make some coffee and milk. JD's still snoozing, I contemplate deeply. I go over pull off his blanket and shake his bed for 5 mins. He's up too. We finish the coffee; morning rituals get dressed and get down to his car to get going.

 
We notice the dust covered mess that is his car, contemplated deeply and decide to wash the windows alone. After the wash, were in and I start checking the stereo everything's in order. We're off on this fine Saturday morn.
The route we decided on was fairly simple courtesy google maps. The road was supremely serene between 7 -8 am for some reason and very beautiful. Of course JD and I fought over the music I threatened I would crash his car and he threatened he would scream. Fairly subdued and after deep contemplation we reached a compromise.

 
Got upto a max of 115 km/hr in his car beyond that I didn't feel comfortable to push.

 
Reached pondy about 9:10 am. Then JD decided there was a beach before Pondy a particularly beautiful one that too. So we roamed around 20 mins trying to find this 'beach' without success I cursed him he cursed me right back. We got back on the road.
Quarter of an hour later we reached the actual Pondy beach. The one with all the boulders you are not allowed to cross. We contemplated deeply and jumped up and down there for some time.

 
JD cried his hunger cry. Man, this guy can eat a lot. We drove to a tiny restaurant, saw the menu exclaimed the price is not at all tiny, contemplated deeply decided will eat all we can this weekend no worry about moolah.

 
I had honey chocolate pancakes and chocolate milk, JD ordered some sophisticated tea and sandwiches and sat back all smug. They brought back some weak kinda tea like looking hot water for him, I didn't laugh at his face right away I waited till the waiter left, I have standards. We ordered again to compensate. Paid the bill, got out, noticed a nearby wine shop.

 
Got back on the beach. Jumped up and down. Contemplated deeply and decided to go to the boat house island beach combo location. Drove down there. JD cried his sleepy cry so we slept in the car for sometime. Some loud giggly girls woke me up. I contemplated deeply, shaked the car for 5 mins and JD woke up.
Took out my camera and got out. JD cried his excited cry and I sighed and handed over the camera struck one of my portfolio poses. He took a snap.




 


Then I took a snap before JD struck his portfolio pose.




 
Took the tickets to go see the island beach and waited. Boat came and off we went. Started contemplating deeply and JD took s snap and I cursed him and he cursed me right back.



 



 
Got to the beach, there were a whole bunch of people. Families, college stragglers, travel groups, young couples, loners. So sat down and started scouting for talent (by that I mean ogling) JD pretend as if he is not. I laughed at him and he agreed he is too. After some particularly deep contemplation we found some winners and then lost interest. JD cried his excited cry and started onto the water and I declined diplomatically. Started noticing a family; husband, wife and three little girls. I have to say the girls were very captivating with their antics. They'd jump in, squealed, jump out and sat shivering even though the sun was scorching. Took a snap of them.



 



 
Found a quite place sat down chewed the fat a little, scared away some kids and off we went.





 
Had enough and got on the back on the boat to mainland happily. Until I noticed the stone drunk uncle beside me. He was part of a touring family and suddenly everybody started laughing for no reason. Then as if to earn the attention uncle started to sing a tamil kuthu paatu. Was the funniest thing, tried not to laugh put on my contemplating deeply face, JD laughed. Until the boat started to rock from all the movement. JD went tense. I thought, hah I can float without sinking as long as I want. Then he coaxed the boat driver do some extra rounds and some extra rocking motions. Was quite fun actually. Reached solid ground finally. JD cried his hungry cry, off we went to the resort eatery. Had some delicious lunch and wine.
Went back to the main beach where there was an exquisite snack shop right at the end of the beach. Had a chocolate mocha, sandwiches, mousse etc etc. Went to the earlier noted Wine shop. Got some wine a Red brand called Port wine. Got a room, drunk some wine JD cried his sleepy cry and we went to sleep.

 
End of Day 1

Reason

Give me one reason. One freaking reason.

Brand New Day.

Brain freeze for me. Was blabbering mindlessly to a friend of mine and I said this.

"You shouldn't mourn truth for too long, because the truth is always there and it never goes away and it never changes."

Not sure if that was my inner me telling me to get a life.

It's like living through Viva La Vida while humming Brand New Day.

Confused.

J + L = Confused.

Okay.

Who and where am I right now. When I came out of college I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I liked electronics enough to play with bread boards in my spare time and also I was extremely taken by all things programming.

Once I got an assignment from one of my profs it was about something related to linked lists. I remember sitting with it for hours on end and once it was cracked I remember writing a phone diary with that concept then I remember my brothers discovering the file store and editing it to gobbly gook to annoy me and I remember getting annoyed and writing another program to encrypt the data in it using a character replacement algorithm and going IN YOUR FACE SUCKAS!!!!

Major geek quotient I know.

There was a time when I used to write code for fun I really did enjoy it, then when I started working I carried it along even though I was not really sure about I am doing what I want. Then when I look at what I do now, I am truly disgusted.

Sure , I still have no clue about what it that I want to do. But it cannot be remotely close to what I do now. Attending freakin meetings, planning projects, dealing with bullies, modulating every word that comes out of my mouth, knowing that everybody who is talking to you has an agenda and is trying to manipulate you. I mean come on when I look back at the whole of last month, I really cant find a single thing I enjoyed doing. This lack of interest shows in everything I do now, earlier I used to push myself and push everybody around me by putting in my best foot forward now it seems everybody around me is cleaning up my mess. That sucks.

I guess this is natural progression. Then I am not sure if I should progress really.

My habit of letting life take me around places and try and solve what it puts in front of me is not working any more.

How do I get back on track? I have no idea. I like some of the people I work with and they have helped in times of need and I don’t want to let them down and put them in a bind.

But something’s gotta give. Working on it now, will get back to me ASAP. (J The most commonly used phrase maybe in my line of work)

Hiccup.

All you wanna do is get better...

But when the better gets the better of you what's to be done.

Yes What is to be done???

Entrails of a Coward.

Sleep is good right? I hope you agree with me. It is important if you have to function properly in the awake people world. I’ve gotta remember that, I keep reminding myself.

Okay. Let me just get to the point as the go-getters say. There was this girl, a girl who I knew for about a decade now. I started fancying her from the time I really got to know her, which should be about one year after I first saw her. Well fancy wouldn’t be the right word for it; worship would be a bit more appropriate.

The problem with me is that I don’t see anything good in me. Atleast not good enough to deserve her, so I tried to better myself that didn’t work out well though. All the while, I tried to befriend her in a platonic way atleast for her. I think. Worst Idea ever, I have to say.

Now when I think of it, I can’t believe how much of a pussy I was and still am. Trust me you didn’t want to be where I was, it was the land of solitude and pain. There was this one particular incident when we were having a conversation and she decided to loop me in on the person she liked then, a mutual acquaintance.

As I sat there, listening to her speak about him. If you would have looked at me, you would see the regular me the smiley kind, well the younger regular me. Still remember that day. There is pain and then there is this other feeling. Later I tried to articulate what I felt that day to myself the words were if I remember alright, I felt like somebody reached down my throat pulled out by beating heart and stomped on it. Worst part was she never knew I felt this way, because I was too much of a coward to tell her.

After that I got a feeling about the kind of guys she would like and I am far from it. I hung back trying to gather the courage to one break it out. What would I do if I was to look into her eyes and say every hour of my day is planned around finding ways to make her happy and I when I look at her there is nothing else I ever want to see and she gets that disgusted look in her eyes. Or even worse takes pity on the pumpkin boy. The thought of that happening was too much to handle and the coward trudged along, ever helpful and ever smiling. And she never knew.

Wishing was the most essential part of the years after that, wishing I’d wake one day and be somebody else. Be somebody that she would also want to make happy. And I worked at it, and I was almost there or so I thought. One fine day morning, it all came crashing down and again I started getting that heart through the throat feeling. Only this time it won’t go away. This time there is no going back. This time there is no hope. I had to let go of any hope I had.

Fuck.

Cried out of my soul that warm morning. The only reason I had to anything was gone and I was, I don’t know what I was. Everything started falling apart around me, all that could go wrong did. The year of misery and loss built itself upon me piling up kick upon kick.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw things I couldn’t bear to see so I stopped sleeping. Every time I had me to myself my head would start hurting like hell, so I took myself away from me. I tucked myself away in places I couldn’t really be aware of anything.

People around me started to get concerned, well some of them. I was crashing down hard, I had to get away. So I flew half way across the world just to get away, into a world that never really appealed to me that much.

So there, I said it. It’s out in the open. I had only one another friend who knew about this way back when. Now it’s out.

Shouldn't be thinking about this anymore I know. I have to find a way to let go.

Now the worst part is that I keep wondering. What was I to her; a kind bumbling friend or did she ever know at any point had even a tiny inkling maybe and if I ever had the balls to tell her how I felt maybe it would have worked out. I jest.