Baggage Tracker.

A promise is hard to keep ain’t it, that’s the reason why it’s called a promise so that it can be held over your head and then it becomes hard not to be kept. The hardest ones to not keep seems to me are the ones you make to yourself, because the person holding it over your head is the one person that never leaves you.

That makes it so much worse.

Anyways, I did promise myself that’ll I figure out why I am like this. I am always been a dancing around ‘the issue’ person. I’ve always been the person who could not for the love of god just speak out what is on my mind. I have to always make sure that what I say doesn’t hurt anybody. So I always changed my plans so that everybody is happy. It made sense to me; if everybody around me is happy then I am happy too, right? Until it didn’t make sense any more. I realized that I make all the problems around me as mine. As if I help everybody and fix all their problems my problems are solved. People take advantage of this and soon shit gets spun out of context and soon I am in a place of darkness. A place I had no business being in, a place where I don’t deserve to be in. That doesn’t make me a good person; it just makes me a stupid person.

The importance of time was something that never occurred to me until recently. I am dense I know. It is quite embarrassing, but it was quite late when I realized that when you invest your time into something you are actually depriving something else of your time. I guess this is where my addictions come in. I have this problem of losing myself in things without any self-restraint and end up in fantasy land. I live in my head most of the time, conjure up worlds in my head, I have conversations in my head, I make up people into who they are not so that all my efforts don’t seem wasted . When I want to take a break from the world, I go into my head and have psychedelic alter egos. Sometimes I don’t see the downside of living in my head forever and don’t come back. Ever.

Don’t let them see you cry. This seems like sane advice, right? It is actually, it drives you, helps you get things done. It is constructive until at a certain point them becomes everybody and it changes to ‘Don’t let anybody see you cry’. What it means to me is that; whatever happens you never stop crying but you stop having somebody you trust enough to let support you. I’ve got pretty much no friends left; I’ve driven almost everybody away. And I am in no state to make new friends. I’ve gotta make amends in so many levels.

All my baggage has made me uncomfortable with people. Let me put it this way. If I were a book, I’d put this book at the farthest corner of the shelf in the darkest nook of the most uninteresting room of the most inaccessible dungeon. And it will be padlocked. This is what I am trying to change.

God help me.

Olympic Dove Release Ceremony

Its 2010 now, yay!! This statement may not mean much to you, but it is a statement that I use constantly now. For what purpose, you enquire? Well it’s me trying to convince me that the past is the past and the future is yet to come, and hopefully it is not with anymore sadness.

Even before 2009 started I knew I this year was gonna royally screw me, a year later now I say that it was an understatement. I remember sitting alone in the dark trying to figure out what I did to deserve all this, trying to understand why all that I feel is sadness, trying to plan to have one single day in a week without feeling like shit, trying to drown everything I was feeling with relentless and non-stop work , trying to function after going about a week with no sleep, sitting down in an extremely crowded restaurant just so I can avoid everybody, trying to forgive everybody and to see it all from everybody else’s eyes, remember admitting to myself I need help from someone or something, remember running on the treadmill till I couldn’t breathe so I won’t feel anything else other than the pain in my legs. I remember being tired of being me.

Was living with my brother and also a very close friend of mine who had returned after a long time apart, couldn’t bring me to give them the time of the day. Lest they would understand what I am going through. But my brother saw through me and one night he asked me are you depressed? I said no it’s just the work, in reality it’s the other way around. It did get me thinking though, depression hah? Clinical depression. So as usual I hit the net and got some symptoms out:

Symptoms of depression include:

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.

· Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.

· Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex.

· Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down".

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.

· Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping.

· Appetite and/or weight change.

· Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts.

· Restlessness, irritability.

Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment.

I had gone through almost all of them. So I decided enough is enough I have to define why I am feeling like this atleast to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It’s ridiculous really. After all this space was set up to write something honest.

I will be back to write down honestly about why I spiraled and maybe am still. Let me just jot it down somewhere.

Wishful Thinking.

Lately I've been wishing for one thing.

Peace of mind.

Reason for why I do not have it at this particular period of time is a confluence of many rather haunting events occuring simultaneosly in my already dreadful life. Quite frankly I do not want to talk about them just yet.

What I wanted to know is?

If there is something eating up your insides, like really devouring your head and thoughts and time. Totally taking over your being.

Is there any way I can keep it off my mind temporarily ?
I dont want it to be gone for ever, that's not what I want.

Sometimes when I try to sleep at night and my head is exploding with thoughts and memories and ideas and my heart is thumping like its gonna stop.

That would qualify as a time when I want to get my mind off them things. Just so I can get some goddamn shut eye.

Reality.

Some days you are the toaster and in some days, you are toast.

Would You.

Would you hold me, If I say good bye,

Would you look at me, If I close my eyes,

Would you touch my face, If I speak the truth,

Would you say all that I have to say, If I can't break the silence,

Would you see me, If I break down all the walls,

Would you whisper to me, If I start losing my sanity,

Would you hum a soft tune, If I stop breathing,

Would you be my angel, If I kneel to pray,

Would you save a seat for me, If I don't even mind standing,

Would you lead my way, If I forget where I am headed,

Would you hold me together, If I start to fall apart,

Would you kiss my eyes, If I let my eyes go adrift,

Would you give me strength, If I can't hold my head up,

Would you make me laugh, If I try my best not to,

Would you be all giggles, If I tickle your ears,

Would you let me caress your hair, If I need to feel my hands again,

Would you listen to my heart beating, If I can’t stand the distance anymore,

Would you let me sleep, If I need to wake up,

Would you shiver lightly, If I blow on your eyes,

Would you pull me back, If I am not really here,

Would you say nice to have had known you, If I say nice to have had known you.

All The Years.

I'm too old, the feeling never escapes me,
Ancient pallbearer to still born days,
Sittin in my favorite chair, rockin rockin in isolation,
Fog dancin in my eyes, playin tricks makin faces,
Paintin vultures, coffins awaitin.

I'm too old for today, knots murmur from my heart,
Creakin bones and leakin eyes, an old man's rhyme,
Travellin the travels, always too far to arrive,
Yet life marches on, a sick joke, don’t laugh at me,
My clownin years are over, rottenly lost and forever buried.

Still the whales of life call, oh they do call occasionally,
But my hearin's not the same, it’s the noisy years you see,
Now tuned to static, just that the pointlessness of it all bombards me,
Nothin's offered that has not already been lost,
Miss the symphonies though, the high and low notes fallin flat.

The weight of the ages crushin me, interrogatin my conscience,
Banished to my chair my clock runs backwards, memory permittin once in a while,
Lookin back I see me, unmarked with no weeping scars,
GOD IN HEAVENS! There’s a grin on that face, magically raw,
Who's this clown wearin my skin, dreamin my dreams,
Evil's fuming in the air, the child's clueless.

Ahh my memory fails, don’t blame an old man, it’s all the years,
Routine's all I got now, cycles to cycle, dispossessed of life,
No aggravation or solace, no pesterin maps or clocks,
I'm so tired, infinitely exhausted no wind bothers my sails,
I'm so old, I could die.

What'd I miss, learned me a lesson one of those days,
A way outta the vault, a map through the maze,
Unlearn, unlearn it all, all the happiness in me,
The melancholy wisdom's what's crushin me,
Be a fool, know nothin, ignore everythin.

Not innocent be ignorant, be useless,
Enter the world of inability, lose the significance of being,
Embodiment of ignorance, Embrace the insignificance of being,
Float away light as a feather, gleefully mindlessly.

If only I could, If only I wasn't so old,
Witness to so much goodness, as ancient as earth I can't,
Times of my life, etched on my face,
Lines of sadness & wrinkles of tears, purity clarity,
I am so old, I have no escape.

Vault Of Mine.

Its official I have stopped talking. Words no longer come outta my mouth. Gone mute in a hurry, well that aint entirely true,it wasn’t that fast, it was slow crept up on me in my sleep walk, as slow as realizing my ears no longer search for any voice worth holding on to.

Look up these days, the moutains to climb on to stand and look around, damn got a wrong one again well what’s the difference mate there aint no one on the other one either. Stones on me. Got a mouth; it still makes noise but aint got nothin to do with me.

Found me a box, put me in it, put an answerin machine up front. Ha clever me. Just the embalming fluid missing in my funeral home.

When did that happen. Me, me who smiled a crater and laughed an earthquake. Can’t even put a grimace on my mask these days. Where did I go. Read somewhere pain is what the wood feels when the axe iron says hi. Guess I saw the axe too much, up close. It thinks my mind's just a hole, blind and dump to put its crap. Surprise surprise can see right through your kind face, the blade in the air waitin in your hand, expectin and damp, can see better than you. Keep on waiting I aint blinkin with you around.

Got a curse on me, my face tells everything. Can’t put a smile on when ma face meets evil, not to save me not to kill it. The bad taste in my mouth always glares on my face. Guess what, nothing but bleedin mind numbin badness greets my senses lately, relentlessly.

Where has the good gone? Was around me just the last day, can remember those days when mornins still brought me that sweet fragrance not this fog and acid fumes. Pullin me up for one more long swim in this cesspool, all warmed up and rotten just right to kill me.

So I locked up ma voice, yeah that's what I did.

Not givin up though, my heart's gotta stop beating for that. Just got tired, exhausted, drained. Parasites hooking on to me, hitch a ride on my back I dont mind the load, but just dont sink your teeth in to take a sip. Sure do miss that wonderland, got clear waters, where all ma joys are wrapped in, none strangers to my skin. Would give anything to want to speak again, to see the point again. Talkin feels like laughin in a funeral to me, outta place outta sorts. Meant for another generation of me, a time of freedom in the companionship of honesty when even the pain was naked and true. Today the tainted truth is marched in front of me by its neck, doesn’t dare meet my eye.

Don’t know when it left me. Learned me the shrug, nod and the grunt. I know I am in despair, gotta start the repair.

One day the world told me learn to excel, fight and conquer do the desired. Don’t got the weapons to fight this one just yet, so gotta pull down the blinds. But I will. Till then, I aint gonna let it eat me, gnaw on my thought, drain my soul.

Gonna shutdown now. Not for good. I'll open my mouth again, it’s gonna laugh, it’s gonna leave you nowhere to run.

Till then....